


Thirty-One Not-Hyperlinked Flashforwards

by boundbyspells



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Multi, Yuletide, challenge:Yuletide 2006
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-25
Updated: 2006-12-25
Packaged: 2017-10-26 05:37:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/279330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boundbyspells/pseuds/boundbyspells
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>thanks to splash_the_cat & dsudis for injecting a little sanity into my nonlinear version; what parts of the structure are good are thanks to them, what parts are bad are entirely the fault of my own brain chemicals and desperation</p>
    </blockquote>





	Thirty-One Not-Hyperlinked Flashforwards

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Raisintorte](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raisintorte/gifts).



> thanks to splash_the_cat & dsudis for injecting a little sanity into my nonlinear version; what parts of the structure are good are thanks to them, what parts are bad are entirely the fault of my own brain chemicals and desperation

_There are two versions to this story. Please see the note at the end._

### Version 2.0: Nonlinear

16.

No one can actually explain why Marshall decided to read _Pride and Prejudice_ that day, not even Marshall.

* * *

14.

"Wench up?" Ted asked, sliding into the seat next to Robin.

"You don't want to know," Lily said.

"Everyone always says that, but in fact, ninety-eight point seven three percent of the time, I do want to know."

"This is that other... one point two seven percent."

"Did you just do that math in your head?" Robin asked.

Lily acquired a look of Supreme Triumph. "I did."

* * *

17.

But in the end, he decided it must be destiny, for tucked between pages 121 and 122, was a letter.

* * *

13.

"Well?"

"If I am going to reveal to two women the Last Rite of True Manhood, I insist on getting something out of it. And that something had better be the hotness of having two cleavage-ridden women in black nylons sitting on either side of me in a strip club."

* * *

18.

This letter happened to be a thank you note from the stripper that Lily convinced to go back to school and become a kindergarten teacher.

"Wait," said Marshall. "What stripper?"

* * *

12.

"Yes. WENCH UP! How did I never think of that before?"

"That's not what I said..."

"Oh, god. What have I wrought?" Lily asked.

"Why wouldn't you want us to Suit Up?"

"You mean instead of Slut Up?"

"I thought it was Wench Up."

"It was, but I changed it."

* * *

19.

Marshall, being Marshall, went first to Ted with his predicament.

* * *

11.

Barney got a certain gleam in his eyes, a gleam that all who knew him well had come to fear. He leaned forward on his elbow and nodded. "All right. I can handle it... if both you and Robin come along. And dress appropriately."

"Suit up, you mean?" Lily asked faintly.

"He doesn't mean suit up," Robin said. She made a smooshing gesture at her breasts. "He means... winch up."

* * *

20.

"I think the real question is, why were you reading _Pride and Prejudice_ , Marshall?"

"Shut up. It's a classic novel. I'm not a freak."

"Actually..."

* * *

10.

"And Robin will be coming along as my witness," Lily said primly.

"Uh..." Robin said.

* * *

21.

"Shut up your-mom. When did Lily go to a strip club?"

"Why do you think Lily met this woman at a strip club? Maybe they met at a coffee shop."

"Because the letter says, 'During our lapdance, you really made me...'"

"Hot!"

"Shut _up_! Shut up your-mom's-face!"

* * *

9.

Lily got the Aldrin Justice look in her eyes. Robin elbowed Barney in the ribs. "Be careful, Stinson, or you're going to be missing something precious by morning."

"She's already got my dignity," Barney said.

* * *

22.

Marshall, being Marshall, next confronted Lily.

"I think the real question is, why were you reading _Pride and Prejudice_ , Marshall?"

"Do not even attempt to Lawyer me, Lily. Just. Do not."

"Well. You had no business reading _Pride and Prejudice_. It's for girls."

"Well, look at you: Lily Aldrin, Tool of the Patriarchy!"

Lily's eyes turned the color of steel. "Only my mother gets to call me that!" she said before storming off.

* * *

8.

"Ridiculous. I'm not doing this."

"Would you rather just attend a bachelor party thrown by Ted?"

"No, but he's going to think he threw it, anyway, and then he's going to think he's awesome, all on his own, without my help, and that's... just a _lie_. A sick, sick lie."

* * *

23.

Next, Marshall called Robin. But Robin quite sincerely said, "I think you should wait to talk to Lily."

"I think that means you know something."

"Damn."

* * *

7.

Ted and Marshall returned at that moment from their tasks, and the conversation halted. But since Marshall and Ted then busied themselves inventing Death Darts, Lily had time to explain her whole plan to Barney and Robin.

* * *

24.

Marshall did the whole breathing on his fingernails and polishing them on his shirt routine. "Who's that good? I'm that good."

"Doesn't matter, though. I'm sworn to secrecy. And I, unlike the rest of you, know how to keep a secret."

* * *

6.

"Condition one: Ted must believe that everything you do is his own idea. Condition two: I must experience it all, first."

* * *

25.

"Exactly my point," Marshall said. "Think of how many of your secrets have been outed over the years, Ms. Sparkles. Perhaps you'd like to get some payback?"

* * *

5.

"This is so wrong," Barney said, flouncing into a pout.

* * *

26.

Her hesitation was palpable, so Marshall made the sad puppy dog eyes through the video phone. "Pwease?"

"You're pathetic," Robin said. "Talk to ol' Swarley."

* * *

4.

"Hear me out!" Lilly said. "You _have_ to throw Marshall a bachelor party. If we leave it up to Ted it will be... lame. No offense, Robin."

"Less than none taken," Robin said. "But Lily, I don't know... Ted will be so hurt if he finds out--oh, but that's the condition, right? Ted has to think _he's_ the one throwing the party!"

"Oh, fer--" Barney began.

"Okay," Lily said. "Barney, you're throwing Marshall's bachelor party, on two conditions."

* * *

27.

Marshall nearly choked on his outrage. " _Barney_ is in on this? _Barney_ knows my wife went to a strip-club? Without me?"

* * *

3.

"I don't like the look in your eyes, Aldrin. You're up to something."

"Yes. I admit it. I am up to something. If you're going to throw Marshall's bachelor party, there is a condition."

"No lame conditions, Aldrin. I'm an all or nothing kind of guy--it's yes or no, black or white, awesome or not awesome. My legendarity knows no conditions."

* * *

28.

Barney, when confronted, offered a decade-long secret-keeping high five to himself.

* * *

2.

Robin's dismayed shriek turned abruptly into a coughing fit as she inhaled the last sip of her lager instead of swallowing it. Barney broke into a smile. "Damn right, I'm throwing Marshall's bachelor party," he said, reaching over to pound Robin between the shoulder blades.

"You--aren't--helping--me--" Robin gasped between thumps on her back. Barney pulled his fist back and folded his arms, eyes still on Lily.

* * *

29.

"It was, in all respects, totally LGD."

"LGD?"

"Leh. Gen. Dary."

* * *

1.

When Ted got up to grab more drinks and Marshall left to hit the john, Lily took her chance. She caught Barney's eyes, leaned forward, and led with her index finger: "You, Barney Stinson, are going to throw Marshall's bachelor party."

* * *

30.

"I hate you."

* * *

15.

Barney sent Lily an email: **The master is ready. Now the student must appear.**

Lily forwarded the email to Robin, adding, **But am _I_ ready for _him_?**

Robin replied: **You brought this upon yourself. And upon me, I'd like to add.**

Lily responded to Barney: **This Friday, Marshall has a Moot Court meeting, so I'm free at seven. Can I request that we go someplace non-smoking?**

 **No. At a Barney Stinson Event--TM--there is no input from the bride.**

 **But I'm the bride who requested your services.**

 **Dear Lily: I deleted your last message before I read past the first B. See you at seven. And SLUT UP!**

* * *

31.

Barney clapped Marshall on the shoulder. "Sorry man. It's true, I've seen your wife score a lapdance. But you should have known. Remember how Lily said, right before she went off to her bachelorette party and you went off to your bachelor party, 'I'll be with you in spirit?' Well.

"She meant it."

* * *

  


* * *

### Version 1.0: Linear

1.

When Ted got up to grab more drinks and Marshall left to hit the john, Lily took her chance. She caught Barney's eyes, leaned forward, and led with her index finger: "You, Barney Stinson, are going to throw Marshall's bachelor party."

2.

Robin's dismayed shriek turned abruptly into a coughing fit as she inhaled the last sip of her lager instead of swallowing it. Barney broke into a smile. "Damn right, I'm throwing Marshall's bachelor party," he said, reaching over to pound Robin between the shoulder blades.

"You--aren't--helping--me--" Robin gasped between thumps on her back. Barney pulled his fist back and folded his arms, eyes still on Lily.

3.

"I don't like the look in your eyes, Aldrin. You're up to something."

"Yes. I admit it. I am up to something. If you're going to throw Marhsall's bachelor party, there is a condition."

"No lame conditions, Aldrin. I'm an all or nothing kind of guy--it's yes or no, black or white, awesome or not awesome. My legendarity knows no conditions."

4.

"Hear me out!" Lilly said. "You _have_ to throw Marshall a bachelor party. If we leave it up to Ted it will be... lame. No offense, Robin."

"Less than none taken," Robin said. "But Lily, I don't know... Ted will be so hurt if he finds out--oh, but that's the condition, right? Ted has to think _he's_ the one throwing the party!"

"Oh, fer--" Barney began.

"Okay," Lily said. "Barney, you're throwing Marshall's bachelor party, on two conditions."

5.

"This is so wrong," Barney said, flouncing into a pout.

6.

"Condition one: Ted must believe that everything you do is his own idea. Condition two: I must experience it all, first."

7.

Ted and Marshall returned at that moment from their tasks, and the conversation halted. But since Marshall and Ted then busied themselves inventing Death Darts, Lily had time to explain her whole plan to Barney and Robin.

8.

"Ridiculous. I'm not doing this."

"Would you rather just attend a bachelor party thrown by Ted?"

"No, but he's going to think he threw it, anyway, and then he's going to think he's awesome, all on his own, without my help, and that's... just a _lie_. A sick, sick lie."

9.

Lily got the Aldrin Justice look in her eyes. Robin elbowed Barney in the ribs. "Be careful, Stinson, or you're going to be missing something precious by morning."

"She's already got my dignity," Barney said.

10.

"And Robin will be coming along as my witness," Lily said primly.

"Uh..." Robin said.

11.

Barney got a certain gleam in his eyes, a gleam that all who knew him well had come to fear. He leaned forward on his elbow and nodded. "All right. I can handle it... if both you and Robin come along. And dress appropriately."

"Suit up, you mean?" Lily asked faintly.

"He doesn't mean suit up," Robin said. She made a smooshing gesture at her breasts. "He means... winch up."

12.

"Yes. WENCH UP! How did I never think of that before?"

"That's not what I said..."

"Oh, god. What have I wrought?" Lily asked.

"Why wouldn't you want us to Suit Up?"

"You mean instead of Slut Up?"

"I thought it was Wench Up."

"It was, but I changed it."

13.

"Well?"

"If I am going to reveal to two women the Last Rite of True Manhood, I insist on getting something out of it. And that something had better be the hotness of having two cleavage-ridden women in black nylons sitting on either side of me in a strip club."

14.

"Wench up?" Ted asked, sliding into the seat next to Robin.

"You don't want to know," Lily said.

"Everyone always says that, but in fact, ninety-eight point seven three percent of the time, I do want to know."

"This is that other... one point two seven percent."

"Did you just do that math in your head?" Robin asked.

Lily acquired a look of Supreme Triumph. "I did."

* * *

15.

Barney sent Lily an email: **The master is ready. Now the student must appear.**

Lily forwarded the email to Robin, adding, **But am _I_ ready for _him_?**

Robin replied: **You brought this upon yourself. And upon me, I'd like to add.**

Lily responded to Barney: **This Friday, Marshall has a Moot Court meeting, so I'm free at seven. Can I request that we go someplace non-smoking?**

 **No. At a Barney Stinson Event--TM--there is no input from the bride.**

 **But I'm the bride who requested your services.**

 **Dear Lily: I deleted your last message before I read past the first B. See you at seven. And SLUT UP!**

* * *

16.

No one can actually explain why Marshall decided to read _Pride and Prejudice_ that day, not even Marshall.

17.

But in the end, he decided it must be destiny, for tucked between pages 121 and 122, was a letter.

18.

This letter happened to be a thank you note from the stripper that Lily convinced to go back to school and become a kindergarten teacher.

"Wait," said Marshall. "What stripper?"

19.

Marshall, being Marshall, went first to Ted with his predicament.

20.

"I think the real question is, why were you reading _Pride and Prejudice_ , Marshall?"

"Shut up. It's a classic novel. I'm not a freak."

"Actually..."

21.

"Shut up your-mom. When did Lily go to a strip club?"

"Why do you think Lily met this woman at a strip club? Maybe they met at a coffee shop."

"Because the letter says, 'During our lapdance, you really made me...'"

"Hot!"

"Shut _up_! Shut up your-mom's-face!"

22.

Marshall, being Marshall, next confronted Lily.

"I think the real question is, why were you reading _Pride and Prejudice_ , Marshall?"

"Do not even attempt to Lawyer me, Lily. Just. Do not."

"Well. You had no business reading _Pride and Prejudice_. It's for girls."

"Well, look at you: Lily Aldrin, Tool of the Patriarchy!"

Lily's eyes turned the color of steel. "Only my mother gets to call me that!" she said before storming off.

23.

Next, Marshall called Robin. But Robin quite sincerely said, "I think you should wait to talk to Lily."

"I think that means you know something."

"Damn."

24.

Marshall did the whole breathing on his fingernails and polishing them on his shirt routine. "Who's that good? I'm that good."

"Doesn't matter, though. I'm sworn to secrecy. And I, unlike the rest of you, know how to keep a secret."

25.

"Exactly my point," Marshall said. "Think of how many of your secrets have been outed over the years, Ms. Sparkles. Perhaps you'd like to get some payback?"

26.

Her hesitation was palpable, so Marshall made the sad puppy dog eyes through the video phone. "Pwease?"

"You're pathetic," Robin said. "Talk to ol' Swarley."

27.

Marshall nearly choked on his outrage. " _Barney_ is in on this? _Barney_ knows my wife went to a strip-club? Without me?"

28.

Barney, when confronted, offered a decade-long secret-keeping high five to himself.

29.

"It was, in all respects, totally LGD."

"LGD?"

"Leh. Gen. Dary."

30.

"I hate you."

31.

Barney clapped Marshall on the shoulder. "Sorry man. It's true, I've seen your wife score a lapdance. But you should have known. Remember how Lily said, right before she went off to her bachelorette party and you went off to your bachelor party, 'I'll be with you in spirit?' Well.

"She meant it."

* * *

  


* * *

 _My original intention was to hyperlink each scenelet so that you could read them as flashbacks or flashforwards within the flashforward, in any of three orders: chronological, backward chronological, or in a wacky sort of sitcomian way. Since the Yuletide form doesn't allow for HTML that fancy, I chose to present two versions entire. The original title of the fic was "One Hundred Hyperlinked Flashforwards." Obviously, my count was off, and my understanding of the Yuletide form was as well. *g*_

  



End file.
